I stumbled upon your writings today.
It was like finding a treasure chest.

Happily, giddy, I ran to it remembering all that your writing used to be so long ago. The happy feelings joined company with the sad ones as I remembered it had been years since you've put your work in a public albeit quiet space.

I still ran.

and when I got to that chest, I found terror, anger, loss.
death.

How could I forget that you were feeling this way?
How could I forget that you always have?
How could I think that my own sadness and insecurities was enough for the both of us?

You were always this way.

And I loved you hard because of it.

This is in our roots. This has seeped into the veins and very being of this family tree we are building.

The dark wood splinters here and there and the leaves shake and fall.

But we stand strong
and we blossom.

Together.


Maybe this treasure chest didn't hold all I expected to find.
Maybe my own insecurities landed on top of yours.
...Is he talking about me? Are those my eyes he is referring to? Is the love he speaks of mine?
...does he know a love from somewhere else? Is it as deep, as good?

Maybe this treasure chest held more than just poems.
It must also hold reminders.

This is who you are. This is who we are.
This is our love.

and my love for you will always catch you, envelop you,
bring you back to life when you feel you are dead.

The cracks and the splinters will repair.
The leaves will hold tight, and the flowers will bloom.

and as we will for Eternity
We will stand. We will grow.

death, or something like it.

I feel like I'm diseased.

Some days I'm fine - no illness, no symptoms of pain.  Other days, I'm a complete and utter mess. Sorrow and anger oozes out of my pores, infecting the air and all those around me.

All the hard work I've done to heal becomes completely undone.
...and I'm back at square one.

More than anything these days, I am feeling betrayed. I feel like the people around me do not understand the  gravity of the situation I've been placed in - a situation I've been picked up and put in, not a situation I chose for myself.

When you get cheated on, everything in the universe turns on it's head. You question everything and trust no one. This is especially true when the two cheating devils dance within the same friendship circle -- the circle that I sat so neatly in for the last few years.  Now everything is destroyed especially because I'm hoping, praying that people choose to stand by my side.

...they aren't.

Honestly, this is just as painful as my own beloved cheating on me.

I feel like I have no real friends. I feel like I'm alone and that loyalty means nothing here.

I feel like I don't even like (most of) the people I'm associated with anymore.

I feel like I'm a shell of the person I once was. The optimism that was so trademark me has left me to live with someone new. I am not me anymore.

and nothing helps to make me feel better.

...except maybe constant repetition from him.
"I love you, I do. You're my all and everything in between. You are mine and I am yours forever.
.
.
.
I'll never hurt you again."

Hearing it over and over again forces me to believe it's true.
Is it true?
Tell me so.

Thanks, Best!

I've been needing some clarity lately. Things have been muggy and my line of vision is fuzzy. Half thoughts and hesitations have become a constant, and I'm just so ready to let it all go.

So I did the one thing that always helps. I called my best friend.

Two rings and one hello later, I instantly felt at ease. What magic.

As I mumbled and rushed my way through a hard-to-say story, she listened and did what any self-respecting best friend would do; she held me together.

She had my back.

I forgot what it was like to have someone just support me, no questions asked. And that feeling more than anything was what I needed for all the muddled thoughts to clear up. She reminded me of who I am and the power that I possess. She reminded me that despite my hard-headedness, I am determined, strong and I know what I deserve.

She told me that others around me were being unfair, and I shouldn't fall into their trap.

She lifted me up and kept me together.

We've been best friends for an eternity which makes it easy to take our friendship for granted or forget how important it is to talk over the phone instead of just text, but man after today, I don't think I'll forget the strength and magic of this friendship of ours. The universe knew what it was doing when the put us together, and I just feel so lucky.

Proceed, Praxis - no reminders here.

Oh hi, new blog.

It was time to start over. I've been feeling all of the things lately, and the only way for me to survive this shit hole I'm in is to start again. Start writing again, start feeling again, start getting excited again.

Thus Proceed, Praxis is born.

Already this feels right. From the beginning Praxsmiles seemed a bit off. It was me trying to become something I wasn't. It was me looking to fit into a trendy niche circle my curvy ass was never meant to fit in. So here I am getting back to basics. I've missed writing so much. I've stopped myself from doing this earlier thinking I had nothing to say. How wrong that feels now. I do have things to say. It may not seem important to anyone but me, but shit I'm still saying it.

The goal here is to be 100% authentic.
The goal is also to let all the crap that's lingering in my mind float out of there and onto here instead.
The goal is to find myself again.

A few months ago, I would have never thought it would be possible to steal my sunshine.
To dull my light.
To remove and destroy every ounce of confidence I ever had.

Oh how wrong I was.

It is possible, people. With one fell swoop of a (figurative) knife all my confidence was shattered.  A cheating man can do that to you. A trustworthy friend can do that to you. Is this a story for now? Probably not. It is my first post after all - it should be light and airy, fun and exciting.

... but this is what my life's become now.

Every single thought and thing I've done in the last few months has been tainted with the shitty events of a few months prior. It's just become a part of who I am now. It's hardened me - made me tougher. It's made me angrier and slower to forgive. My insides feel like concrete.

and that sunshine-y, optimistic praxsmiles is gone.

Praxis isn't smiling the same way any longer.

but she ain't dead either.

Praxis is. moving, fucking, ever forward.
and with no one's permission but her own, she shall Proceed.

Welcome to Proceed, Praxis friends.
Buckle the fuck in and lets get this puppy going.