m e d i c i n e.

Its Monday morning and already I'm feeling overwhelmed. Lots of bits and pieces swirling around my desk, and none of them more important than the other. None of them are urgent either, so my desire to complete them has waned. I'm not into it right now guys. I'm just not.

Thinking about Saturday night and wondering how drunk I was and what I said to what people. I've honestly been making an effort to pay more attention to my drinking -- trying not to drink too much too soon etc. I let go on Saturday night, or I forgot to pay attention - not sure which one, and now I'm wondering how many secrets I spilled and to whom. Do you black out when you drink? I'm not sure if I do, but I know that I remember very little of the night. It's kind of scary to have those black holes in my memory. Who did I speak to and why? Will they remember what I said? Did I seem genuine? Entitled? Sad? Does it even matter?

I can see that this blog is me sounding sad and melancholy. Truthfully, that's how I'm feeling these days. This 28 year old version of me is a little lost, a little insecure, a little trite. A lot bitchy. I'm just not into you or anyone else right now. Everything feels so d u l l .

I'm wondering what that means for me. What's the life shift I need to make so that everything feels better again?

Last year must've been some kind of magic because I was so ZEN. I was happy and content and excited for the future. One little shit storm happens and there goes the magic.

Life experiences really do shape you -- good ones, bad ones, ugly ones. I'm definitely a different person now. I think people are noticing it too and wondering if they've done something to make me feel this way. Some have, most haven't. and I'm sure that it's all really stemming from me. The hesitance, the hard exterior, the drinks - it's all me.

Some of it is you though -- the loyalty, the holding me up, the kindness, the conversations, the protection. These are the things I'm looking for in the people that love me. These are the things I'm looking for to help put me back together.

I'm a mess today, but maybe I won't be so tomorrow.