"On this life that we call homeThe years go fast and the days go so slowThe days go so slow, the days go slow"Feeling very much this.
Life these days seems like a big push for something else - something bigger, something better that I haven't found yet. It's that push and pull of contentment versus wondering/wandering/wishing. Where am I? Why do I feel lost?
Every year feels like I'm moving from one phase of life to the next. It's hard for someone who doesn't like change, yet I feel that change stirring so deep within me. Unsatisfied with the present. Needing to move on to the next. Small changes work for a time and then all of a sudden everything needs to shift again.
I'm not where I want to be in life. Work is boring. It's always boring. I'm continually trying to shake things up to be some kind of better - some kind of great. But eventually I get this itchy feeling of monotony, and I realize that the big change I thought I made wasn't that big at all. Admin is admin is admin. Completely unsatisfying. What the hell am I supposed to do? Where is the next big journey and how do I get out of this?
Next big journey sounds funny because I don't even like big, large movements like that. I like to ponder on the small until I'm comfortable and then work my way up the ladder. Shit. Maybe that's why I'm bored. I think too much for too long. JUST DO IT! ...wait do what?
m o t h e r h o o d.
That's the next, best great.
But the journey toward it feels molasses like. I am wading through this slow, laborious pool and everything around me is useless, boring, unnecessary. All I want is to be a mom. All else is lost on me. I am shedding my skin again: leaving my twenties and all that went with it for something new. Twenty-nine is my trans-formative year. I am transfixed on the prize: motherhood.
How do I commit to a journey of joy? I can't go through my days thinking none of this is good enough. There is good somewhere here. I just have to find it.
journey, journey, journey lead me.