I wonder if having a private blog will make me write better or worse? In the last few years, even in my darkest moments, I was writing for some unknown reader. The blog is private now, and there really is no one else here but me. That's supposed to make me write better right?

Life lately has been a big roller coaster of crazy. Mostly I'm trying to navigate who I am in my late, late twenties in the hopes of being one and at peace with myself in my early thirties. I don't think I want to question truth and friendships and loyalty after this phase in my life. I want to consider and ponder and figure it out now so that later down the line, there's no need to reassess. I should know who I am by then.

Is that true?

Nineteen year old Praxis was so naive, thinking that she'd have it all figured out by now. Oh my gosh, I don't. I feel like I'm a little bit older than what I wanted to be in this phase of my life. I wish I figured this all out a few years back. I wish I navigated these waters ages ago. "these." "this." What I mean is, I don't want to be considering friendships anymore. I just want to let go of the bad ones, be alright with the so/so ones, and hold on tight to the good ones. The good ones should be so good there is no doubt. I should be able to count them on one hand. Am I deconstructing this too much?

I think its because I am deeply scared by 2017. Previous posts in this blog show just that. What a shit year. What a shitty time to experience. Heartbreak on heartbreak on heartbreak. Miguel the worst. Pam the second. Everything else surrounding that just adding to it. I felt ruthless letting go of Pam. Especially since she's family and even more so because of everything I did for them. I'm still just working through those feelings and it feels embarrassing to still be talking about this months later. I don't think I've ever properly processed this on my own though. Lots of little talks to people and then moving on. Nothing huge here with myself.

I have to wonder why it matters?

Why can't I just move on to better things? I need to let go of the crap to make room for the good. I can only get better if I move forward.

I do feel like I'm getting there...I think. Lots of triggers have calmed down.I don't think about negative things as often as I used to. Time really does heal. I feel like I am healing.

But then today, when I open this, feeling that I didn't know what to type, look at what comes out... a rambling mess about pain.

Do I keep this blog as a reminder and get triggered every time I open it? Do I use it to help me move on? Do I delete all the negative old crap and continue writing as if nothing ever happened? Do I start a brand new blog with a new name and give myself a fresh start? That sounds the most promising, but Proceed, Praxis has such a nice ring to it.

Lots and lots of thoughts.

Pre-post I was calm and good, but now I feel a little knot of anxiety in my chest. Woah man, you think this place is toxic?

I'm going to go back to my original thought, up there to try and even this out a bit. What I was trying to get to is this: I just want to be happy and healthy, with my husband, in our new home and pregnant with our child. I want a baby more and more and more as each day passes and I want that feeling to be good and surrounded by good people whom I love and I know without a doubt truly love me back. Doesn't feel like that much to ask.