I still feel a lot of anger inside of me. I know from last time that eventually it will subside as time passes, but the days feel so heavy with this rage living inside of me.  The days feel so long. I'm not enjoying them. Maybe that's a sweeping statement... maybe it's not. I just don't feel happy.

Strange. Alien.

I feel so trapped inside my emotions that I can't seem to even put the words together to demonstrate how I'm feeling. It's all just jumbly, messy, tangled up strings of anger where the balls of string are just so damn knotted up that there's really no point untangling them. That's what my chest feels like. Heavy. Tight. Alien.

I'm trying to remember what it was like to be optimistic. I'm trying hard to stop this from taking over me and ruining the person I once was. I don't want this to be some turning point that I'll look back on and say -- mhm. that's when I went mad. Mad in all sense of the word -- angry, crazy, lost. Fuck I hate seeing these words on my screen, they seem so foreign. Anyone remember when I used to blog about fucking restaurants? and good vibes? and loving people? That's all gone now too... or at least buried. Alien.

There are people who ask me how I'm doing. I think they actually care. Sometimes I word vomit out everything and talk about how hurt I am. How faithful, loyal and true I am, and how despite all that I've been burned. How unfair I think it is. Sometimes I don't say anything and shrug my shoulders. Sometimes I smile and say I'm fine. All of it is true. All of it is shit. Alien.

Why can't I learn to let this all go? Leave people behind me that deserve it. Forgive others too. Period. Question mark? Pause. How do I do this again? Wondering if I ever felt a time similar to this fiasco and wondering how I dealt with it. Did I do this in the sixth grade when that bully really hurt my feelings and I stood up to her? Did I do this freshman year when my friendship circles changed and I fell in love and fell out of it and I swore I've never been more hurt? Did I do this in College when I felt lost and lonely and that I had no real friends nearby? Have I dealt with pain before?
Not sure. Alien.

This is the point in the blog where I usually start to turn things around and say something positive. "insert sunshine and happiness cliche here." Fuck I don't have one to say. I'm still angry. If I lay it all out here word for word -- the entire story starting with "once upon a time..." and ending with "and then she lived happily ever after." you think that would help? Will that untie some knots? Who knows? It's all fucking alien. 

Bye, bitch.

I'm not going to let you ruin my sunshine.
Even when you worm your way through the mud and up into my air.
Even when you wiggle and squeal your deafening, dull noises
Even when you try to make yourself big to block out the light

It's not going to happen.

I'm not going to let you ruin my sunshine
Even when the air feels thick around me, asphyxiating my throat
Even when the ether evaporates prickling my skin
Even when the storm clouds pass overhead stonewalling the sun

It's not going to happen.

I'm not going to let you ruin my sunshine
When my day begins and the light breaks through my window
When my eyes open and his are the first thing I see
When my dreams disperse and I'm hit with reality

It's not going to happen.

I'm not going to let you ruin my sunshine
Because I deserve more
Because I feel better
Because I am the antithesis of you. The very opposite.

You're not going to happen.
Never now
Never then
Never again.
Not ruining my sunshine.